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Joke of the day.................

I just received a text saying I'd won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show...
 
I wrote such a witty joke related to previous one...
Shame it's lost now.
I thought it was your joke that had got the cafe shut down for the day, you probably thought you could get away with it being a mod
 
She was dressed for shopping.
"Hey ! I've bought the paint and the brush, all you have to do is paint the front porch, make sure you get it done before I get back."
He watched his wife's retreating figure, and taking a beer out of the fridge, went out the back, to sit on the verandah. Maybe something would turn up ...
Half way through the beer, a boy scout turned up, asking if he could do any odd jobs ....
"Sure - go out front and paint the porch."
It was that easy: his faith in the universe was restored.
Until half an hour later --
"I've finished Mister - but it's not a Porche, it's a Mercedes."
 
Apparently men have feelings too for example they feel hungry. On that note I'm off to the kitchen as I've been reminded women belong there. But do you know why women live longer than men?

There are lots of knives in the kitchen :)

Jxxx
 
But do you know why women live longer than men?

There are lots of knives in the kitchen :)

Also they tend to keep the fish in a drawer (apparently no one told them that it should be kept in a fridge...) and serve it for holiday dinner... :manicure:
 
Just a thought, many of these can use the spoiler feature for maybe better comic timing, e.g:



Apparently men have feelings too for example they feel hungry. On that note I'm off to the kitchen as I've been reminded women belong there.
There are lots of knives in the kitchen :)
 
A Fedex driver knocks on a door. A ten year old kid answers it- wearing his mother’s dress- with a glass of wine in one hand and a lit cigar in the other.
“Hi- are you mum and dad in?” said the driver…
“what do you think?” said the kid…
 
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Funny day today. It was time for my medication review. Couldn't get the repeat prescription without seeing the new doc. In I goes.

"Right. Behind the screen and take all your clothes off"

"But..."

"Behind the screen and take all your clothes off"

Behind the screen I met a naked shivering man.

"This guy is a bit keen. I've only come for a repeat prescription"

"That's nothing. I've only come to read the meter"
 
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge says, "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
 
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