Joke of the day.................

ProfJames

Elementary member
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12,006
Location
Berkshire
#1
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to
take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

> "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

> The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

> Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

> "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

> "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

> "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the tird one?" asks the doctor.

> "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

> 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

> "Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

> "I put drops in her eyes."
 

Melissa

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1,028
Location
Northamptonshire
#3
A 'C', an E-flat, and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrong doing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
 

Rob Pealing

sax in a kayak (apprentice sax tamer)
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Messages
953
Location
Greenfield, Nova Scotia, Canada
#4
I
A 'C', an E-flat, and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrong doing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
I sure me lack of knowledge about music theory limits my appreciation of this, but I enjoyed it anyway.
 

spike

Old Indian
Subscriber
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1,708
Location
Half way up a hill
#6
A 'C', an E-flat, and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrong doing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
My vote for "The Cafe Sax Noble Joker Lauriate" of the week, even remembering it a feat in itself. Imagine trying to tell that one in the band bus on the way home from a gig.
 

Alc.

Senior Member
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738
Location
High plains of N/W New Mexico.
#12
Two cowboys were passing the time in a saloon when Lefty walked in. Lefty was constantly bragging about how smart his horse was, and the various tricks he could perform. After he had had a beer he began another anecdote about his nag, but one of the cowboys stopped him.

"Lefty," he said, "I don't know if you've heard, but there's goin' to be a talent-show over to the opry-house tonight. You get your giddy-up on the stage and you'll win for sure!" The cowboys winked to each other, but Lefty was deep in thought.

And so it came about that, after various performers had sung or danced or told jokes during the show, the house hushed and Lefty appeared from the wings, followed by his slightly mangy and elderly horse. Lefty stood next to the animal and said in a loud voice, "Come on, boy! Count to four!"

The old horse raised his nigh hoof and struck it on the floor; bang...bang...bang...bang! Lefty's face was contorted, obviously in distress. He stood near to the animals face and said, "Come on, boy...one more!"
 

jbtsax

old and opinionated
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6,451
Location
Beautiful Springville, Utah USA
#13
The late, great Michael Brecker went up to heaven and stood at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked down and asked, "And what did you do down on earth"? Michael replied, "I played the saxophone". St. Peter got all excited and replied, "Did you ever get to meet Kenny G"?
 

Targa

Among the pigeons
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8,038
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KIC 8462852
#14
St Peter's on duty at the gates when a man arrives.
St Peter says I know your an unrepentant sinner but as it's Christmas if you've got something to show the spirit of it I'll let you in.
The man looks through his pockets and takes out his lighter, St Peter asks what that is to do with Christmas and the man 'it's like a candle'. St Peter lets him in.
Another man arrives and St .Peter says I know your an unrepentant sinner but as it's Christmas if you've got something to show the spirit of it I'll let you in.
The man looks through his pockets and manages to find a packet of biscuits, St Peter asks what that is to do with Christmas and the man 'they're crackers'. St Peter lets him in.
A third man arrives and St .Peter says I know your an unrepentant sinner but as it's Christmas if you've got something to show the spirit of it I'll let you in.
The man looks through his pockets and finally finds a pair of ladies knickers, St Peter asks what that is to do with Christmas and the man 'they're Carol's'.

(Jeanette edit it to a handkerchief).
 
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Melissa

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1,028
Location
Northamptonshire
#16
An old man lived alone in Norfolk. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bob, who used to help him, was in Australia. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bob:

I am feeling pretty low because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bob

At 3 a.m. the next morning, the CiD showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do from here.
Love, Bob
 

jbtsax

old and opinionated
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6,451
Location
Beautiful Springville, Utah USA
#17
On their honeymoon, the newlyweds entered the bridal suite whereupon the husband removed his trousers and told his wife to put them on. She replied, "I can't wear your trousers they're too big and they'll fall down around my knees." Her husband replied, "There, let that be your first lesson. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this family". His wife then took off her panties, and said, "Husband, put on these panties." The husband replied, "I can't possibly get into those small panties". The wife exclaimed, "And let that be your first lesson. Until you learn to treat me with more respect, you will never get into my panties."
 

Colin the Bear

Well-Known Member
Messages
11,526
Location
Burnley bb9 9dn
#19
He's 92. She's 89. He's hard of hearing. They're at the doctors together. The doctor is a bit worried about him and wants to run some tests.

Doctor "I need urine, stool and blood samples to run some tests"

Him " What's he say?"

Her " Give him your underpants"
 
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