• This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn more.

'Scraping the Barrel' Jokes

Newcastle under Lyme
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"


Among the pigeons
KIC 8462852
Policeman sees a woman coming out the gates of a cemetery looking a little distraught.
'Are you all right madam'?
'Yes thank you officer, I've just buried my husband'.
'I asked because you appear to have some scratches on your face'.
'Well he put a hell of a fight'.


Well-Known Member
Half way up a hill
Wishing you a belated happy birthday and many more of them
My sentiments exaxtly - Happy Birthday young man - I'm rapidly approaching 71.
One question - does the pain ease up a little as you get older or does it get worse. It took me two days to recover from my last gig. I got cramps in my left leg at the end of the second set and I've been eating bananas every day since then, seems to help a little or should I be eating avocados for breakfast?
Any advice would be appreciated . . .
My fingers still seem to be waggling correctly but the guy in the bathroom mirror doesn't seem to recognize me anymore.
Dear Margie, should I seek professional help, best regards, yours in despair, spike.