Miscellaneous Do any of you ever read the Musical Instrument Jokes?

[Hal the Elder]

There are disparaging jokes for every instrument...Brass, Woodwinds, Strings, Percussion, and Keyboards.

NOBODY ESCAPES RIDICULE!

Example:

Q: What's the difference between a power lawnmower and a Tenor Sax?

A: You can tune the lawnmower, and the neighbors would like it returned.

Q: What the definition of a half-step interval?

A: Two oboes playing in unison.

Q: What is the advantage of a Double Bass over a Cello?

A: The Bass burns longer.

Q: What's the range of a Tuba?

A: Twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

And on and on!

HAL

 

[compound]

Nice one Hal.
Rob. :welldone

 

[littleplum]

How can tell if the stage is level?

The drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!

Dave

 

[Nick Wyver]

What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

 

[aldevis]

A sax player wins the lottery, and a journalist interview, him;
"is your life going to change, now?"
"Not really, as long as the money lasts, I will go on being a sax player!"

 

[baritonesax]

Doctor tells jazzer, "You've got six months to live." Jazzer asks, "What on?"

 

[aldevis]

How to have this thread censored:

******CENSORED******

Can anyone look better for troubles?

 

[Hal the Elder]

Q: What's the difference between an Accordion and an Uzi?

A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Hal

 

[Greg Strange]

My banjo was on the back seat of my car...

My car got broken into...

Now I have two banjos...

What's the best and fastest way to tune a banjo?

Wirecutters.

What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?

A visitor.

What do you never say about a banjo player?

That's the banjo player's Porsche.

When do banjo songs sound the best?

When they're over.

What is the difference between a banjo and an onion?

Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians?

The drummer.

What is the definition of perfect pitch?

Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.

What is the difference between a dead banjo player on the road and a dead possum on the road?

Skids marks before the possum.

How many strings does a banjo have?

Five too many.

I think I maybe on the local bluegrass society hit list?🙂))

Cheers,

Greg S.

 

[Hal the Elder]

HEY GREG,

It's true that Jazzmen want no part of a 5-string Bluegrass banjo, BUT the 4-string Tenor Banjo is revered and respected by Traditional Jazzmen, as it was in virtually every Jazz band during the heyday of the Trad, Dixieland, and Chicago-style bands, from the early 1920's until the advent of Swing in the mid 1930's.

I have an authentic 4-string Tenor Banjo with Chicago tuning.

HAL

 

[Greg Strange]

HEY GREG,

It's true that Jazzmen want no part of a 5-string Bluegrass banjo, BUT the 4-string Tenor Banjo is revered and respected by Traditional Jazzmen, as it was in virtually every Jazz band during the heyday of the Trad, Dixieland, and Chicago-style bands, from the early 1920's until the advent of Swing in the mid 1930's.

I have an authentic 4-string Tenor Banjo with Chicago tuning.

HAL

Hey Hal,

Chicago tuning? Is that when you throw the banjo in Lake Michigan?

San Francisco tuning - throw the banjo off the Golden Gate?

On a serious note - F# - I quite like the banjo. A lot of people think the banjo is an European folk instrument but it's origins are West Africian...

What's the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw?

The grip.

What's the difference between a banjo and a harmonica?

The harmonica only sucks every other note.

Cheers,

Greg S.

 

[Greg Strange]

Time to pick on somebody else:-

Three famous trumpet players are up in an airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"

Greg S.

 

[aldevis]

Kev, you must admit that my censored post vas a polite collection of every unacceptable topic on a forum. Without even using sexual references...

..........................

Many jokes are bouncing from one instrument to another, and Viola players were probably the very first target (they are the drummers of classical world).
This is a true story: 1st violist to 2nd violist: "play softer, or they might hear you!"

I often use it in the section.

 

[spike]

One more for the road.

Q. What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline.

A. You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

 

[Hal the Elder]

HEY GREG,

Chicago tuning is when you tune a TENOR banjo to the top 4 strings of a Guitar: E-B-G-D.

Since most Tenor banjos furnish chords in the rhythm sections instead of melody runs (that's for Plectrum banjos), this makes it easy to switch between Guitar and Banjo for chording purposes.

The Plectrum banjo (also 4-string) was used in the old Vaudeville days by solo performers for playing Ragtime tunes of the day. It's a longer instrument with more frets for melodic runs, and its tuning is completely different.

HAL (A Guitar & Tenor Banjo chord player since 1958.)

 

[Hal the Elder]

Q: An Accordion, a Viola, and a set of Bagpipes are dropped from the top of a 20-story building. Which will hit the pavement first?

A: Who cares?

HAL

 

[Greg Strange]

Q: An Accordion, a Viola, and a set of Bagpipes are dropped from the top of a 20-story building. Which will hit the pavement first?

A: Who cares?

HAL

People at the bottom of the building probably care...could be quite embarrassing reading the headlines the next day-

"Man Killed By Accordion"
"Woman Strung Up By A Viola"
"Paper Boy Strangled By Bagpipes And Not A Scotsman In Sight"🙂))

If you're going to get killed by a musical instrument I think I would go the classy way - squashed by a Borensdorfer Imperial Grand Piano...go out in style...🙂

Cheers,

Greg S.

 

[aldevis]

Q: An Accordion, a Viola, and a set of Bagpipes are dropped from the top of a 20-story building. Which will hit the pavement first?

A: Who cares?

HAL

The noise of a bassist and a drummer jumping from the top of a building when they hit the pavement?

"Tratah""

 

[Rico Vandoren]

What's the sweetest sound in music?

A banjo hitting the bottom of a skip.

 

[SusieSc]

Darn it - I posted my jokes in the wrong section -- sighhhhhh
I'd better leave the posting to youse experts. :ashamed

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

Kenny G walks into an elevator and says, "Man, this place is HAPPENING!"


cheers
SusieSc