Prof poor humour

[greenstripe]

OMG I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person!

All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist

 

[ProfJames]

My mum refused to make bacon sarnies when I was a kid. Never did me any ham.
Paddy is on holiday in New York and goes into a bar and asks for three shots of whisky. I can put them all in one glass if you want says the barman. No, to be sure I have one for me and one each for my two brothers back home in Ireland. He downs the three shots.
next day he comes in and does the same. This goes on for a week until one day he comes in and asks for two shots of whisky. Oh, I’m so sorry says the barman. Has something happened to one of your brothers?
Not at all says Paddy. It’s just that I’ve given up the drink.
Anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back?

 

[Dave Dunn]

If such things as the oscars were of the slightest interest to me I may ask who he is and why.

It's Mike Tyson, the boxer, and it's a reference to Will Smith slapping Chris Rock across the face for making a joke about his wife, while Chris Rock was onstage hosting the Oscars.

 

[Dave Dunn]

 

[Dave Dunn]

 

[mizmar]

View attachment 20034

I tried a sax adaptation of that theme;

Saxophones - Some existential thoughts on GAS & eBaying at the moon. - Page 3 - Cafesax

Perusing eBay for saxes is kind of like a cross between drugs, sexual obsession and a werewolf movie: once you are heavy into it you'll be eBaying at the moon, i.e. up until all hours scanning all the horns on every European eBay site. It's definitely a trip into all the aspects of desire, lust...

cafesaxophone.com

 

[Targa]

It's Mike Tyson, the boxer, and it's a reference to Will Smith slapping Chris Rock across the face for making a joke about his wife, while Chris Rock was onstage hosting the Oscars.

Isn't that called a wardrobe misfunction at the Oscars?
Unexpected appearance of a couple of tits.

 

[Pete Thomas]

Isn't that called a wardrobe misfunction at the Oscars?

These days isn't it regarded as more of a function than a misfunction?

 

[ProfJames]

My email password has been hacked again...
That's the 3rd time I've had to rename the dog.......

 

[Colin the Bear]

Great story on Radio 4. Confessions and apologies.
A young woman visiting her mother was walking on the beach when she had massive stomach pains. Deciding she needed an urgent bowel movement she retired to the sand dunes. The process complete and clothing restored she was approached excitedly by a huge friendly German shepherd dog.
She was looking at the dog and the dog was looking at her when an out of breath young man appeared over the dune.
He looked at her. She looked at him. The dog looked at both of them.

The young man apologised. Produced a bag out of his pocket and picked up the deposit. Pocketed it and walked off with the dog.
She was ringing in to own up and say she was sorry to the young man.
I nearly fell out of bed laughing.

 

[ProfJames]

I would just like to say to the carpenters club, thanks for letting me join.
What’s that racket coming from South West London?
“That’s Womble din”.
Always remember that you're never worthless. Your body organs can sell for quite a lot on the black market. Always think positive.
Playground swings - I wouldn't go on one unless I was really pushed.
I did a combined History and Maths A level. The paper asked what the count of Monte Cristo was......
I said to my mate " My girlfriend keeps referring me to a character from Alice in wonderland"
He said " are you mad at her"
I said " Don't you start"

 

[Jules]

I've tried to reset my password to Hi-Hat. I got back the message- your password cannot contain symbols

Also- from my daughter-

Doctor- I warn you, this operation only has a 50% success rate

Patient- Well do it twice then

 

[ProfJames]

I hear corduroy pillows are popular right now.
They're making headlines.................

POE
( I started writing poetry today)

My gastroenterologist may not be the best in town, but he’s right up there................
The strip club wasn't open.
The sign said ‘Sorry, we're clothed.’

I got arrested by a blond police officer yesterday. To be honest, it was a fair cop...

Just been to a fisherman's disco. Lots of sole music.........

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.”
I walked into my Doctors with a banana stuck in one ear, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril. What’s wrong with me? The Doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”


1 co

 

[DavidUK]

Looking for suitable areas to move to with my wife yesterday she exclaimed "Look, a handy crematorium."

I replied "Don't they do full bodies?"

 

[DavidUK]

She also read a news headline from Florida... "Lost pink Flamingo."

"Died?" I asked innocently.

"No, they're naturally pink" she said.

 

[Jules]

Just been to a fisherman's disco. Lots of sole music.........

and Gil Scott Herring

 

[ProfJames]

I was in a restaurant last night when a bloke with a small pistol and a flag stood by my table, which was odd as I didn't order a starter.

I’m trying to repair an old Duran Duran LP cover....I’m on a hunt I’m after glue.......

A milking stool has 3 legs because the cow has the udder.

I’m worried that when my girlfriend sees me naked for the first time she’s going to run out of the park.

I've just tried some Moroccan chocolate, it's very moorish.

"I finally tracked down that old hatchet with the handle made from the linden tree."
"Antique lime axe?"
"Yeah, it was a bit disappointing.”