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ProfJames

ProfJames

Elementary member
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12,186
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Berkshire, UK
My mum refused to make bacon sarnies when I was a kid. Never did me any ham.
Paddy is on holiday in New York and goes into a bar and asks for three shots of whisky. I can put them all in one glass if you want says the barman. No, to be sure I have one for me and one each for my two brothers back home in Ireland. He downs the three shots.
next day he comes in and does the same. This goes on for a week until one day he comes in and asks for two shots of whisky. Oh, I’m so sorry says the barman. Has something happened to one of your brothers?
Not at all says Paddy. It’s just that I’ve given up the drink.
Anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back?
 
Dave Dunn

Dave Dunn

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247
Locality
South Australia
If such things as the oscars were of the slightest interest to me I may ask who he is and why.
It's Mike Tyson, the boxer, and it's a reference to Will Smith slapping Chris Rock across the face for making a joke about his wife, while Chris Rock was onstage hosting the Oscars.
 
Dave Dunn

Dave Dunn

Member
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247
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South Australia
Db5dd96e715847b71781412edfc73a022773b108052f851e5abe910120440708
 
mizmar

mizmar

Senior Member
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1,497
Locality
Trondheim, Norway
Targa

Targa

Among the pigeons
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9,946
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KIC 8462852
It's Mike Tyson, the boxer, and it's a reference to Will Smith slapping Chris Rock across the face for making a joke about his wife, while Chris Rock was onstage hosting the Oscars.
Isn't that called a wardrobe misfunction at the Oscars?
Unexpected appearance of a couple of tits.
 
Pete Thomas

Pete Thomas

Well-Known Member
Commercial Supporter
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15,551
Locality
St. Mary's
Isn't that called a wardrobe misfunction at the Oscars?
These days isn't it regarded as more of a function than a misfunction?
 
ProfJames

ProfJames

Elementary member
Messages
12,186
Locality
Berkshire, UK
My email password has been hacked again...
That's the 3rd time I've had to rename the dog.......
 
Colin the Bear

Colin the Bear

Well-Known Member
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15,819
Locality
Burnley bb9 9dn
Great story on Radio 4. Confessions and apologies.
A young woman visiting her mother was walking on the beach when she had massive stomach pains. Deciding she needed an urgent bowel movement she retired to the sand dunes. The process complete and clothing restored she was approached excitedly by a huge friendly German shepherd dog.
She was looking at the dog and the dog was looking at her when an out of breath young man appeared over the dune.
He looked at her. She looked at him. The dog looked at both of them.

The young man apologised. Produced a bag out of his pocket and picked up the deposit. Pocketed it and walked off with the dog.
She was ringing in to own up and say she was sorry to the young man.
I nearly fell out of bed laughing. :rofl:
 
ProfJames

ProfJames

Elementary member
Messages
12,186
Locality
Berkshire, UK
I would just like to say to the carpenters club, thanks for letting me join.
What’s that racket coming from South West London?
“That’s Womble din”.
Always remember that you're never worthless. Your body organs can sell for quite a lot on the black market. Always think positive.
Playground swings - I wouldn't go on one unless I was really pushed.
I did a combined History and Maths A level. The paper asked what the count of Monte Cristo was......
I said to my mate " My girlfriend keeps referring me to a character from Alice in wonderland"
He said " are you mad at her"
I said " Don't you start"
 
Jules

Jules

Formerly known as "nachoman"
Messages
3,730
Locality
brighton by the sea
I've tried to reset my password to Hi-Hat. I got back the message- your password cannot contain symbols

Also- from my daughter-

Doctor- I warn you, this operation only has a 50% success rate

Patient- Well do it twice then
 
ProfJames

ProfJames

Elementary member
Messages
12,186
Locality
Berkshire, UK
I hear corduroy pillows are popular right now.
They're making headlines.................

POE
( I started writing poetry today)

My gastroenterologist may not be the best in town, but he’s right up there................
The strip club wasn't open.
The sign said ‘Sorry, we're clothed.’

I got arrested by a blond police officer yesterday. To be honest, it was a fair cop...

Just been to a fisherman's disco. Lots of sole music.........

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.”
I walked into my Doctors with a banana stuck in one ear, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril. What’s wrong with me? The Doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”


1 co
 
DavidUK

DavidUK

Well-Known Member
Café Supporter
Messages
6,502
Locality
Near Lutterworth, Leics.
Looking for suitable areas to move to with my wife yesterday she exclaimed "Look, a handy crematorium."

I replied "Don't they do full bodies?"

:thanks2:
 
DavidUK

DavidUK

Well-Known Member
Café Supporter
Messages
6,502
Locality
Near Lutterworth, Leics.
She also read a news headline from Florida... "Lost pink Flamingo."

"Died?" I asked innocently.

"No, they're naturally pink" she said.
 

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