Phones

kevgermany

ex Landrover Nut
Subscriber
Messages
22,004
Location
Just north of Munich
Got this in my email today. Hope you haven't heard it before.


Paddy is in the airport with a sack over each shoulder when he gets stopped by customs.



They search the two sacks and find loads of mobile phones in them.



The customs officer asks Paddy why he has all these phones.



Paddy replies ‘Well while I was on holiday in America I got a phone call from my mate, Murphy. He told me he was starting up a jazz band and could I bring him back two saxophones'.
 

fishpond

Member
Messages
143
Location
Havant, Hampshire
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Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
There's no place to hide your drugs,


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What is the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?
The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.


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Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!"
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Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
Because he kept ignoring the key signature-- he thought it was a suggestion.


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How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to comment on how David Sanborn would have done it.


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How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth?
All of them.


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If lost in the woods, who di you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're hallucinating.


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What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
1. Lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. You can tune a lawnmower.
3. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
4. The grip.


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What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax?
The theory doesn't have as many leaks.


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What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato.
2. The exhaust.


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You may be a redneck saxophonist if...
...you have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.
...you spell it "saxaphone."
...you think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig.
...the gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher sopranos.
...you think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived.


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What do a saxophone and a baseball bat have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.


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What are trumpets made out of?
Leftover saxaphone parts.


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You are in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and Kenny G. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure.


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What is the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.


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What were the saxophone player's grades?
Below C level.


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What's the difference between a saxophonist and a gentleman?
A gentleman knows how to play but doesn't.


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What is the best recording of the Creston Saxophone Sonata?
Music Minus One.


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How do you define a perfect pitch?
Throwing an alto sax in a toilet from 20 feet with out hitting the rim


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There is a man on a boat that is in a shipwreck. The boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is greeted by natives. In the distance, he hears the sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for and the chief answers, "The drums must not stop." The man is forced to stay the night in the natives village. All through the night, the drums keep on going so he got no sleep at all during the night. He got up in the morning and went to the chief again, begging him to know why the drums couldn't stop. The chief answered, "Because, when drum solo stop, sax solo start."
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What's the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.


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Q: How can you tell if a saxophonist is intelligent?
A: He can understand a fingering chart except for L.th and R th.


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Q: What do you call a saxophonist who plays mostly 1/64 notes?
A: A ballad-specialist.


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Q: What does a saxophone-player do when he´s offered a blow job?
A: Asks the girl where the gig is and insists on bringing his own rythm section.


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Q: Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
A: He hated mankind but couldn´t build a atom-bomb.


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The reason why so many weird noises comes out of the business end of saxophones is that Mr Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief the saxophones are percussion-instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers.
Large hammers.
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When should a saxophonist change his reed?
A: Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.


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Which is the ideal place to practise on a tenor-saxophone?
A: In Saddam Husseins bedroom.
B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean.
C: In a deserted coal mine.
D: None of the above.
Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone-player never, but never practises. The risk of learning to play is too great.


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What is Black and Brown and looks good on a saxophonist?
A Doberman


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What's the difference between a saxophonist and a lawnmower?
A lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it


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What do you call a thousand saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?
Answer: A good start!


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How many baritone sax players does it take to pop popcorn?
Two - one to hold the popper and one to shake the stove.


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How many tenor sax players does it take to change a flat tire?
Four - one to change the tire, one to work the jack, and the other two to contemplate on how John Coltrane would have done it.


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Here's a good way to finally get rid of Saddam Hussein.......Go to Bagdad and play an hour of out-of-tune soprano sax solos for him!
 
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