What's a gentleman? - Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. What do you call an accordion player with a beeper? - An optimist. What's the range of an accordion? - Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist? - Terrorists have sympathisers. What's the difference between an onion and an accordion? - No-one cries when you chop up an accordion. What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina? - The accordion takes longer to burn. What's an accordion good for? - Learning how to fold a map. Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses? - So they don't disgrace themselves in parades. If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? - Who cares? What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? - The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean? - A good start. What do you call a group of topless female accordion players? - Ladies in Pain. How do you protect a valuable instrument? - Hide it in an accordion case. What's the definition of perfect pitch? - When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides. What do accordion players use as a contraceptive? - Their personalities. What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? - A chainsaw can be tuned. What's the difference between a road-killed skunk and a road-killed accordian player? - The skid marks in front of the skunk.