Maybe the debate about when modes should be taught should be somewhere else? Eunza deserves to have this space for comments about his offering.
Eunza! good effort in hearing where all those notes are lurking and bringing them forward. Seems like you are using your ear instead of just a catalog of notes that theoretically fit. That's good and (IMHO) the right track to be on. It's fine to use a limited palate for note choices as long as you do this from a framework of communicating something (melody or feeling). As others had indicated there are other elements, such as rhythm, dynamics, phrasing, note shaping, etc. that can be added to bring more to that communication.
Editing is a separate skill that has little/nothing to do with your playing, but helps in presentation. This is not a good recording from a technical perspective, or in knowing how much is enough. IMHO it's best to present whatever your idea is as succinctly as possible. This could have been a 2 minute piece as everything was said by then. Leave your audience wanting more, not bored with hearing the same thing over and over. This may not be advice that one would give if doing an album of music for background, but this isn't the sort of place where one would present that sort of thing, except maybe as a snippet.