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Here`s a Halloween tale beyond the pale.

navarro

Senior Member
Messages
863
Twas a dark night with a cold wind gusting as I left the warmth of my `Two up, two down in a very upmarket residential area of London. My mission to turn the tables on the trick or treaters abroad this Halloween night.

I was well prepared and dressed for the occasion dark blue cashmere overcoat.(Harrods.) Suit (Silk,cashmere and virgin wool. (Saville Row) Chelsea boots (Lobbs of London) (I don`t wear socks.) cool Eh?

On leaving my garden I switched on my electric wire fence to ward off stray animals, don`t you know. (Sinister chuckle.)

My first encounter was with a bunch of scallywags attired as skeletons, witches and a number of them disguised as that women on `Dragons Den.` who wears bright clothes and relies heavily on rouge.

I approached the group proffering my bag of `Bulging Eyeballs` (For the uninitiated a confection much favoured by the younger generation.) but unbeknown to them heavily laced with black pepper. (Almost insane laughter on my part.) as I hurried away.

The next bedraggled group I encountered ,who immediately broke into a chorus of "Trick or Treat." on viewing my, even if I say so myself, affluent appearance, were in for a pleasant surprise.

Digging deep into my hand made double stitched leather `Manbag` (Maker unknown but resident somewhere in China and retailed by Gucci.) I produced an exciting assortment of coloured boiled sweets and toffees and began dispensing them with gusto to the assemblage, amid gasps of "Fanks mister appy Alloween."

As I scurried away with a little exuberant skip to my stride. I was thinking `Happy Halloween indeed, wait till they get their champers round those beauties A confection purchased in `Diagon Alley. (Yes it does exist! accessed by walking through a wall just past the number nine and a half bus stop.} The concoction cleverly manufactured by those mischievous imps the Weasley Twins. (Credits roll to J.K for her contribution to modern literature.)

Imagine their surprise when they masticate upon these cheek bulging boilies and toffees, salivated lips frozen in horror as they encounter the fiendish properties of same and their skin starts erupting in boils and aggravatingly itchy pustules.(Heh Heh Heh.)

(I am assured by the manufacturers that these symptoms will quickly wear off. And Mrs Clarice Potts stepson Humperdinck whom she most graciously volunteered to test the `sweeties` Ahem, Ahem on, suffered no lasting after effects apart from a short period of bed wetting.

So forum members if right in the middle of `Coronation Street or if you prefer `East Enders ` you no longer hear that ominous knock on the door and be greeted by a raucous howl of "Treat or Trick.` it is due entirely to my little endeavors.(More sinister chuckles and bulging eyeballs.) Best regards and Happy All Hallows N.
 

llamedos

Senior Member
Messages
431
Hey, N! Please don't take this the wrong way, good buddy, but is there any truth in the rumour that what the Department of the Environment is claiming is a vast stockpile of salt for snow clearance purposes is in fact really intended to be taken by caff regulars by the pinch during their browsings in this happy place?

Just to make it clear and not have you engaging the services of a huff-driver and heading off in his conveyance, the above is intended merely as a bit of whimsy and not as a complaint. I would not seek for one moment to curb your erudition and thus deprive myself (and others) of a bit of brightness on a gloomy day!

Regards and thanks

Dave
 

navarro

Senior Member
Messages
863
Hey, N! Please don't take this the wrong way, good buddy, but is there any truth in the rumour that what the Department of the Environment is claiming is a vast stockpile of salt for snow clearance purposes is in fact really intended to be taken by caff regulars by the pinch during their browsings in this happy place?

Just to make it clear and not have you engaging the services of a huff-driver and heading off in his conveyance, the above is intended merely as a bit of whimsy and not as a complaint. I would not seek for one moment to curb your erudition and thus deprive myself (and others) of a bit of brightness on a gloomy day!

Regards and thanks

Dave
Hi Dave Thank you for your discreetly veiled to`what amounts to being pelted with ripe tomatoes whilst on stage.` However my many months of treading the boards as a standup` (failed) has made me pretty immune to this, be it whimsy or otherwise.

I can assure that the huff -driver (I like that phrase.) will not be called upon to convey me to perhaps a forum whose members are not quite as erudite as those of the hallowed cafe . I am not about to do a `Hal` o wheel.

So please rest assured the creaking boards of the Cafe stage will feel the soft caress of my doe skin moccasins (Italian.) for some time to come.

Unless of course I receive a summons from my first love `The Stand Up Stage.` particularly as they now know I have the added attraction of a squeaky saxophone to supplement my act. Best Regards ` From the man who picked up a newspaper discarded by the late Peter Cook while travelling on the Victoria Line.` N.>:):thumb:
 
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