Humour A few puns!

[ProfJames]

Not surprised to find out I've lost my job at the graffiti removal company.
The writing's been on the wall for a while now.

I gave my friend an apple, and she told me she preferred pears.
So I gave her another apple

There are tiny electrical pulses inside your brain. Makes you think doesn't it?

I've just been to the new Star Trek fitness centre. It's a life gym, but not as we know it.

I was going to get some diarrhoea insurance, but then I found my boxers and jeans were already covered.

Grappling hooks........they'll never catch on.

My mate has been really unwell, so I went round to see him this afternoon. I took some DVDs and ready meals.
Fingers crossed - he’s too ill to notice they’ve gone.

Just discovered that my girlfriend is a witch.
Luckily she's dyslexic, so she can't spell.

Here is the shipping forecast:
There will be ships.

I spent the afternoon listening to the Eagles.
Apparently, the golden ones think the bald ones are twonks

I used to be a World Champion in carpet fitting... Until I was banned for using anabolic stairods.

I've been seeing the same dentist for 10 years.
She's developed fillings for me

 

[ProfJames]

I see the local circus is getting rid of narcoleptic jugglers. They're having a dozing clown sale!

I thought I was on UberEats, and ordered a large Hawaiian, but it turns out I was on Tinder

Welcome to 'Owning Up to Flatulence Club',
But I warn you it's not for the 'ain't farted'

Henry VIII's second wife, apart from losing her head, had lovely legs, the legendary Boleyn pins......

The gorillas in the zoo are in severe poverty. They don't have two ape knees to rub together

Son: Dad, are you going to the banquet? Dad: No I always dry off before going to the Bank.

I went to a pub in Yorkshire and brought home their souvenirs.
A beermat, a glass, a box of matches, serviettes.
A lot of Ilkley Moor Bar tat.

When my gf and I separated we split everything 50/50. Including our pet Camel. She wasn’t happy and got the right hump

I used to get called 'Wormwood Scrubs' at school.
It was my nickname.

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[ProfJames]

Said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis"
He said, "Oh right, the one with Adolf in?"
I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis"

It was freezing this morning on my farm and I thought I could hear Tubular Bells outside. Turns out it was just my cold field.

The inventor of the sexual innuendo has sadly passed away today
His wife is taking it really hard

I’m in the process of trying to sell some racing geese.
Let me know if you’d like a quick gander.

Me and my mate went to the bar with a cornish pastie each.
Barman said "you can't eat your own food in here"
So we swapped........

I once went to a gynaecologist's party - what a great knees-up.

An unnamed weather man has acted angrily to being sacked, after giving too many gloomy, unsettled forecasts.
No more mist and ice guy.

The inventor of the catalytic converter worked tirelessly perfecting the design.
He was a man on emission.

The Klingon word for vegetable spread is sak’tagh. I can’t believe it’s not b’tah.

 

[Miraven]

I bought a new bed the other day. It's a waterbed, but I’m not sure if it's going to be a big splash or a little ripple.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
I tried to catch some fog yesterday. I mist.

 

[Jules]

The man was taken to hospital. After an x-ray he was found to be full of horses. His condition is now described as stable